For so much of my youth, through so much of my active alcoholism, I believed I was supposed to do and be certain ways to be cool. I saw signals everywhere meant to teach me what was expected of me from the sector of society I wanted to emulate.
These signals took on a life of their own in my psyche. They became my own measures of success, and I knocked myself out trying to fulfill them.
My son and me
One of the biggest gifts of having been sober a few decades is freedom from all those supposed-to’s. I can choose the parts of life where I want to push myself, and the parts about which I don’t give a flying duck.
I don’t have to…
- Whoop it up on New Year’s Eve. I don’t have to stay up ’til midnight, make a big deal, care whether other people want to. The calendar is arbitrary. All holiday customs are voluntary, and these, which entail mainly consuming liquid neurotoxins and making a lot of noise, get obnoxious pretty easily.
- Buy New Stuff. In the hiking & mountaineering world, experienced outdoors people can easily spot the newbies. Their gear is all brand spanking new. New pack. New boots. New puffy. Gleaming ice axe. Through our eyes, they look kind of ridiculous, because we know they
My 1975 VW Bus
have little clue what they’re doing. Gear that’s been put to good use shows “cred” — short for credentials. My whole life shows cred, so I feel the same way about my household stuff, clothes, car, etc. It’s been around.
- Socialize Competitively. For years, I wanted to be seen at certain events, befriend certain people. Someone somewhere, I imagined, was keeping score of my success. Guess what? Unless you’re unfortunate enough to be in high school, no one is! Today I like whomever I like and love
Apple picking w my sponsor
whomever I love. I try to find ways to spend time with the latter — which somehow seems harder since the pandemic.
- Emote to Commercial Media & Social Media. When I was young, for news channels we had ABC, NBC, or CBS, plus PBS / NPR. But that was about it. Today, the entire news industry is chaotic and desperate. It’s snag viewers or die, so most waive bait — inflammatory, bloody, infuriating, and/ or terrifying news bits — before our screen-bound eyes in hopes in hopes of snagging our attention and taking up our time. We don’t have to get caught. Yes, truly horrific things are happening in Ukraine and Gaza, but all we have the power to DO is pray and donate what we can.
Turning 64 soon
- Act My Age – I know who I am better than the calendar does.
- Date – What a waste of time!
- Pretend I’m Always Serene – Life is joyful AND difficult.
- Avoid Sugar – Pick your vices; this is mine!
- Clean When No One’s Coming Over – “God, I wish I’d cleaned more!” said no one on their deathbed ever.
It goes without saying, readers, that I don’t need to drink. No situation is so bad that drinking won’t make it worse. You can shut your eyes when a train is barreling down the tracks toward you, but it won’t help. You can gnaw away your entire lower lip while it’s numbed by Novocain, but it’s gonna hurt like hell as soon as the nerves wake up. Before a tsunami you can wander wayyy far out into the low tide having a blast, but you’ll drown once the wall of water hits.
Drinking is dumber than all the above. It’s a belief that we can improve our experience by impairing our brain — that exquisite repository of consciousness with which god has gifted us. If we don’t like our life, we can use the 12 Steps to change our responses to it. If we don’t like our relationships, we can use the 12 steps to change how we relate.
This beautiful, tumultuous, painful, vivid, astounding, love-filled gift of living is yours. Don’t shit on it.
And… Happy New Year, dear Alcoholics!!
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I was busy. She was hopeless. Just eight minutes and I’d be outta this dump, back to the fresh air and my nice, clean life!
practice it for a lifetime, amassing just enough proof of their superiority to get the satisfaction they need. Still, they’re constantly hungry for more. Each time they judge, they get a little boost of feeling smarter! If they pronounce that judgement, they savor a sense of wielding power, that their words can zing like handy little thunderbolts. Life, for them, is a vast swamp where they have to keep constantly stepping on the backs of less-thans to stay afloat themselves.
To the writer of this letter, the fact that she was even daring to contact this person and acknowledge that she struggled with emotional issues seemed an amends. I know because 24 years ago, just a few months into sobriety, I sent an identically selfish letter to someone I’d hurt in much the same way.
somebody else. Sobriety’s granted me huge gifts: I’m performing in two ballet recitals this spring and climbing three glaciated mountains this summer, so my life is full. My home, health, work, son, and friendships are all good.
true north we need to orient meaningful lives. For me, that means having faith in the god I experienced as overwhelming love in the light of the other side. For others, it can mean simply living in loving kindness. One’s spiritual path is one’s own — as in Buddha’s dying advice to “be a lamp unto yourself.”
As the appendix on spiritual experience tells us, “With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.” How is this subservience?
A Spiritual Evolution 