emotional sobriety | A Spiritual Evolution

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November 20, 2023 · 8:00 am

WTF Is Going on? Mindfulness = Emotional Sobriety

What are you feeling right now? Really feeling?

Can you look underneath that feeling and identify another? Can you take the time to let that underfeeling dilate and express itself? The degree to which you can do that might be an indicator of your emotional sobriety.

Long before we had the term “mindfulness,” the elders of early AA talked about “emotional sobriety.” For a long time, I assumed emotional sobriety meant just not acting out. Active and newly sober alcoholics do such crazy stuff, fomenting drama like a dishwasher with the wrong kind of soap, spewing it onto all who come in contact with them. Bad relationships, bad communication, bad decisions, bad consequences, and back reactions to those consequences: we dig our trench of pain and isolation ever deeper.

Not indulging in that stuff, I used to think, was the key to emotional sobriety. Self-restraint.

Of course, I was wrong. When we tap the wisdom of the 12 Steps and god’s guidance, we actually outgrow these behaviors. How? By learning to notice WTF is going on, WTF we’re feeling, and WTF we’re telling ourselves that is not necessarily true.

A long-distance friend, 13 years sober, recently Marco-Poloed* me that she’d been asked to speak for an hour at a large AA venue — but had yet to commit.

“I don’t know that I can offer a positive message,” she said. “I still struggle with feelings; sometimes I can’t tell what’s real and what’s my feelings. I struggle with the scary kind of sadness; I get irritated by petty things; I feel resentments. I do have a lot more peace now than in the past and I do know what the solution is, but it’s not picture perfect.”

I promptly Poloed back, “Speak! Tell them exactly what you just told me! You don’t even THINK about all the trauma you’ve overcome because you’ve overcome it!”

The testimony to my friend’s emotional sobriety is twofold. One is that she knows she’s struggling, she can give names to her emotions and is always on the lookout for her part — i.e. 4th column / her side of the street. The other is the beautiful life she enjoys, helping people via her profession and working on deep trust in her marriage. “Picture perfect” is simply not compatible with being human.

The term “mindfulness” is associated mainly with Buddhism and meditation. Meditation opens the space to notice the thoughts our brain is constantly churning out while we intend to detach from them. Every time we notice a thought has waltzed into the spotlight and seized the mic to start telling us what to pay attention to, we cut the amp and gently escort it offstage. This happens again and again. Gradually, we get to know the wizard behind the curtain, the monkeybrain constantly ushering these acts onstage. We learn its tricks and are not “hooked” by the thoughts, worries, and imperatives it generates.

Out in life, we can practice this same process. When we feel put on the spot, inadequate, awkward, angry, needy, infatuated or whatever, we can detach from the thoughts that drive these feelings. We can see which performer has nabbed the mic and unmask it as a feeling rather than objective truth.

This process is never seamless. It’s never easy, but the lifelong work of doing this stands at the core of sobriety. Feelings present a reality all their own: INTERNAL reality. When we can distinguish that INTERNAL reality from some form of objective EXTERNAL reality, we are practicing emotional sobriety.

To do so is a struggle for everyone, but especially for us as recovering addicts. For decades, usually during parts of life when our non-alcoholic peers were honing this skill of sorting what was on the table in any difficult situation, we did the opposite.

We swiped everything off the table with one simple move: choosing to numb.

When we choose to numb, to take the edge off, or to ride a destructive feeling, we choose NOT to seek WTF is actually going on. We choose self-centeredness, navel-gazing, and all the coping skills developed when we were kids navigating in dysfunctional families. “Let’s just run with this faulty tool again,” we say. That’s why many alcoholic addicts continue to behave like children well into old age.

I myself practice meditation only sporadically. I realized this morning, though, that I do practice a form of morning centering with daily consistency.

Two and a half years ago, I adopted Alice, a deeply traumatized puppy. She’d been abused by cruel owners who eventually dumped her and her littermates in the Rio Grande desert to starve, as most of them did. Every morning, Alice would awaken in terror of absolutely everything, including me. So I would spend a few minutes each morning holding her on my lap, giving her scritchies and kisses, murmuring and telepathically telling her she was loved. I would focus, focus, focus on this message:

“I love you, and I will keep you safe.”

Alice has indeed grown to love me and feel safe, to be strong and happy when not triggered. However, she’ll never let me abandon what I now call her “medicine.” Each morning she sits directly in front of me while I fiddle with my phone or laptop, waiting permission to jump in my lap. I realized only this morning as I focused on our message that I was connecting with my higher power as well, that the love went both ways: god loves me as I love Alice.

The key is that each morning, she asks that I take the time to open my heart. Once it’s open, I feel what I’m actually feeling. Right now, that’s a lot of grief — for the loved ones I’ve recently lost. Tears come. Countless other feelings are in the mix, and I become aware of them. Without this practice, I would proceed with my day on autopilot, numbed by busyness.

To be awake takes practice, but it’s the key to a rich and genuine life.

*a video chat app

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Filed under meditation, mindfulness, Recovery, Spirituality

Tagged as emotional sobriety, meditation, mindfulness, recovery

June 7, 2023 · 6:30 am

Emotional Sobriety – Ever a Work in Progress

Last week at my home group, I noted a difference that sometimes arises in AA. Our group is a tight family. Some have only a few years’ sober, but more of us have 25+. Anyway, the person chairing, having lived sober through 30 years of joys and deaths, boons and losses, chose a meeting topic of authenticity in friendships.

Here’s why. They’d made an off-color joke among a group of friends. One friend went ballistic without bounds, ripping them a whole new ass…assination of character in front of the others. Our chairperson instantly apologized for any pain they’d caused and, reading the room, departed to allow their friend space. But now they felt their trust hurt beyond healing.

Here was their dilemma: their AA sponsor maintained that they’d already cleaned up their side of the street, owed no further amends, and could choose whether to reinvest in the friendship. But another friend, not in AA, said they ought to meet with the explosive friend and tell her how that outburst made them feel.

Which was the right course? How do we navigate our continuing journey of sobriety to keep growing toward what our higher power would have us be — i.e. toward our full potential in emotional sobriety?

The group picked up the question and ran with it. Everyone had relationship issues — with friends, partners, and relatives — to share about. Almost everyone. The thwarted expectations issue arose when a visitor from out of town spoke up. He said essentially, “I don’t care whether I talk to friends honestly or not! All I care about is whether I take a drink over it. I come to these meetings to learn how not to do that TODAY — not how to dance around in relationships!”

He had a few years but, clearly, just not drinking was still a struggle.

This is an issue. Aside from meetings specifically named BEGINNERS, AA generally takes a one-size fits all approach. Our Singleness of Purpose, clearly outlined in Traditions 3 and 5, runs like this: “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking” and “Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.”

But… define “suffers.”

Plug-in-the-jugging is not enough for a happy life. Rather, most of AA is about ferreting out the defects of character that lead us away from our higher power and toward isolation, resentment, depression, and “a thousand forms of fear” — conditions ripe for the ego and addictive drive. Relationships test the mettle of our recovery. Emotional sobriety comes down to an ability to recognize our character defects and cope with them in constructive ways. Is it more constructive to routinely zip our lips or to show up honestly with our emotions, personalities, and vulnerabilities, sharing who we are à la Brené Brown?

During the 1980s, John Welwood coined the term “spiritual bypassing” to mean, in simple terms, trying to be so “spiritual” that you ignore whatever emotions you’re feeling. Any negative feelings get dismissed as “attachment.” Welwood was speaking in a Buddhist context, but boysee! Do his words ever apply to AA! For instance, I’ve known people who throw themselves into gobs of service work, go to jillions of meetings per week, and work with dozens of sponsees — all so they won’t have to FEEL the pain nipping constantly at their heels. They try to guilt others into following their path, a stance I like to call “competitive sobriety.”

In my first 10 years, I used to worship such people, considering them AA sages. In my next 10, I’d get resentful at them, feeling I had to make excuses for NOT doing likewise. But as I wrap up my third decade of sobriety, meetings, and stepwork, my attitude is a mix of compassion and live-and-let-live. I know they have pain that won’t let up, and I understand that this solution helps them. It must help, or they wouldn’t do it. Myself, I’d rather stick my head in a flaming bucket of shit than sit through General Service meetings. It’s terrible, but it’s true.

So I don’t practice competitive sobriety but, somewhere beneath my own radar, I DO practice spiritual bypassing. I keep my side of the street clean no matter what — whether it makes me become a doormat, tolerate rudeness, or pretend to agree with values I dislike. I look like I’ve achieved emotional sobriety, but it’s a sham — more like emotional constipation.

What spiritual bypassing boils down to is dishonesty — with myself and others — leading to a lack of boundaries. I discover my false tactic only once the pain load reaches such a pitch that I have to take action: “If someone keeps running over your foot with a lawnmower, it’s up to you to move your foot.” That’s one of my favorite sayings, and yet I’ll leave my foot in their path for years! “No, no, it doesn’t hurt much! It’s just a little blood! Just a toe I wasn’t using! After all, they have a perfect right to mow!”

Spiritual pride tells me I’d be too “unspiritual” if I said what I actually think and feel. Too unspiritual if I showed up as myself. Too petty, judgmental, wave-making, or self-centered in telling others “Here are my feelings” or admitting to myself “This isn’t working.” In fact, by pretending everything’s fine, I’m harming everyone involved.

Recently, my pain reached such a pitch that I finally moved my foot. I’ve spoken about the situation with my sponsor and a few uninvolved confidants. But for me, it was wonderful that our chair opened up this question of finding the fine line between kindness and authenticity. This is where the rubber meets the road for me today, the area where I’m most uncomfortably growing.

I hope the out-of-town guy could glean that eventually Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness lead us far beyond just not drinking. “Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions” (How it Works). Turns out, of course, that dislodging each cause reveals a deeper cause beneath: onion layers. Insight by insight, we keep learning how to live a little bit better, until we run out of time.