I’ve already written a kick-ass post on Self-Pity (Just Say NO to Self-Pity), but today I’d like to discuss its cousins, victimhood and martyrdom. Life becomes such an incredible teacher if we stay sober and pay attention to our part in things, past and present! Drinking, we’re carried down the same old rivers of emotion our egos generate, over and over, never questioning their truth. Sober, we can learn to see from new angles.
It’s easy for me to look back at my drinking days and see that I cast myself in the victim role for a good reason: it absolved me of all responsibility for my own happiness. Lacking a connection to god, I clung to people, places, and things with the sense that they should respond to me in ways that buoyed me up. They didn’t. Or maybe they seemed to for a while, but more and more as my drinking progressed, unfair circumstances seemed to pile up against me.
I blamed others and developed resentments, or blamed myself and wallowed in self-loathing, but I never questioned the whole enterprise of trying to make things happen. I didn’t want to look at my model for interactions, my mindset, or the patterns of my perceptions.
That’s what a fourth step allows. And as we continue to grow in sobriety, additional fourth steps yield insights even deeper and more fundamental, until our whole weltanschauung evolves. That’s what’s so exciting about recovery through an earnest application of the 12 steps as opposed to just quitting drinking: the whole universe changes!
I began to recognize that the vending machine ethic I’d applied to interacting with others — I put in my chit of friendliness and you deliver a soda of doing what I want — was selfish. It began to dawn on me, first, that I loved no one truly for themselves and, second, that I didn’t actually need a soda from anyone, because god was a constant wellspring of love. Eventually, I could approach others in a spirit of curiosity, empathy, and usefulness rather than need. It’s way more fun.
Martyrdom was my favorite posture in romantic relationships. Because throughout my childhood the supply of love in our alcoholic home varied drastically between romping, playful, inebriated evenings and tense, brittle, hungover mornings, I developed a belief that I had to make people love me. The best way to do that, I assumed, was to be whatever I gathered they wanted me to be.
In relationship after relationship, I effaced myself in hopes of earning “good partner” points. Yet, infuriatingly, my partners usually took for granted all my “sacrifices.” They seemed to assume I was just doing what I wanted. This led to preposterous arrangements like my teaching classes at three local colleges while pregnant so I could put my partner through school, taking only two weeks off to give birth; my buying gifts and celebrating Christmas with family members who had just mocked and ridiculed my addiction memoir on Facebook; and my continuing a relationship with a relapsed, selfish alcoholic whose job placed him in distant hotels 85% of the time.
These were choices I made, but at the time each seemed a movie plot I was stuck in. Leave the relationship? Who would I be?! Not participate with family? Wasn’t it better to be “loving” by doing whatever other people wanted? And didn’t god see how I sacrificed and suffered? Wasn’t I earning some kind of selfless saint award in the greater scheme of things?
In fact, god did see how I was sacrificing and, with a sigh, rolled consequences into my life to teach me to knock that shit off. In both relationships, grotesque sexual betrayals ended what I could not, and with toxic family, a big fat cancer diagnosis drove me to assert boundaries and focus on taking care of me.
The shift of weltanschauung was giving up control I never had to begin with. I can’t make anyone love or respect me. I can’t do anything the “right” way. I can’t even know anything for certain! I can just be me and do what’s next: clean house, trust god, help others. Keep trying my best. The results are up to god whether I struggle or not.
And yet. Victimhood still calls to me seductively like a siren among the rocks: Be wronged! Feel hurt! Retreat into the familiar cave of suffering where you huddle with that precious, lonely ache of being unloveable. It calls with the lure of false freedom because, again, whenever I go there, I don’t have to look for truth or try new ways. I don’t have to figure out my part in the problem. I can just slump into my victimhood, stagnant.
I’ve known people who were downright addicted to victimhood and suffering like a drug they went back to again and again. Such people can take a benign and insignificant situation and inflate it into a colossal source of pain because they need drama, they need suffering as the most familiar landmarks in their navigation of life. Without this anguish, in a life of light, hope, and constructive action, they’re utterly lost. There’s nothing to obsess over and they miss the grand self-importance that victimhood lets us feel.
I’ll admit it takes some getting used to — a life of humble happiness and cheer in the simple events of the day, a focus on what’s good and growing, and the simple okayness of me and you here now. I can’t write intense short stories anymore (I won prizes as a drunk) now that I don’t hate the world. But believe it or not, we move closer to god, closer to heaven, when we let go the weight of dramatic suffering.
Most important, we keep learning more about how to break out of old patterns and, in passing these tools on, offer healing to others as we used to spread hurt.
5 responses to “Victimhood, Martyrdom, and Other Codependent Poses”
Thank you for the reality check, letting go of suffering yet another addictive substance.
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Needed this read this morning, as I buckling my seatbelt for another long and lonely ride on the victimhood highway. Not in AA myself, I live on the other side of the street (Al Anon), I am learning to be responsible for my own joy and sense of self worth instead of turning to my alcoholic loved one for something he just can’t, not shouldn’t, provide. This read help me in big ways to make different choices in what I value and turn to in times of distress. Thank you.
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I so relate. I stayed sober while my relapsed partner drifted further and further away from me, incapable of strong love or loyalty. You put it so perfectly, “something he can’t, not shouldn’t, provide.” Relationships begin with a vision of mutual support, but they change. Another blog that might help you see the “can’t” at a brain level is this one (I was just at my Al-Anon meeting this morning, so I am hesitant to advise anything! 🙂 ).
“Alcoholics may seem emotionally ‘flat’ – i.e., they are less reactive to emotionally charged situations… Impairments in emotional functioning that affect alcoholics may reflect abnormalities in [the right or] other brain regions which… influence emotional processing, such as the limbic system and the frontal lobes.”
I had saved this post to read at a later date & promptly forgot about it. I had some free time today & decided to go through & purge all the stuff I’d been collecting. I not only am grateful that I saved it but am thankful to have read in it’s entirety.
You spoke to me. Maybe it’s because I also have 27 yrs. of sobriety & lots of therapy over the years. That’s what it’s taken me to become a whole NEW me. I see things so clearly now. We have similar stories. I not only don’t ever want to be drunk again but I never want to be that other person. She is so far removed & I thank God every day that I am who I am today.
God bless my friend & keep writing.
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Thank you for this, Carol. ❤